Exercise

We americans are too busy to walk down to the river and scrub our clothes on a rock .

And we cant be bothered to herd goats, so we came up with something called “exercise”.

As it turns out, I’m exercise positive.

It’s all good, so pick the kind you like and have at it.

But as you probably know by now, i just cant resist being an ass and posting up these snarky comments and ridiculing others.

So let’s start with:

TRIATHLETES

I find these folks a little weird. There is something kind of “look at me” and mock heroic about this.

Its  kind of for type A overachievers  who are always striving because somehow just enjoying the simple things in life is never good enough.

You often see recent divorcees among new triathletes.

Reminds me a little of those people in the hair shirts who sleep on nail beds because they have to keep punishing themselves for something or other.

PILATES

It’s not as if humans have just appeared on the planet.

But somehow, we have been standing, sitting,  and walking wrong all this time.

Who knew?

So now we have to RE-LEARN  all that in the new IMPROVED  way.

They even  have a SPECIAL MACHINE that fixes what is WRONG with you called the Reformer.

But only the advanced adherents are allowed to use the machine after progressing through the layers of obedience.

And of course it’s a SYSTEM which was invented years ago by THE SPECIAL PERSON who must have known what he was talking about because he said so.

You have to make these little puffy noises and count  backwords.

And you have to get CERTIFIED to be an OFFICIAL INSTRUCTOR of THE SYSTEM.

Crikey,, this is almost as goofy as  scientology.

BIKRAM YOGA

Was invented by an american who noticed that it is hot in india.

Therefore it must follow  that  americans need  an overheated yoga parlor!

Never mind that India  is probably  not  so hot to the people who live there every day and that within a minute your body is warmed up anyhow.

You get to smell the sweat  of hundreds of people who have dripped into the floor boards underneath you.

Yum.

GYMS

Gyms are very efficient places to go and exercise.

I particularly  like the treadmill because it is a metaphor for my life.

But i sense that people are there more to make themselves  attractive, than to improve their health.

Thankfully we seemed to have moved out of the era of pumped up steroidal heroic actors and athletes, but people still use muscles as a kind of armor to hide their insecurities.

Sometimes people who weight  lift a lot remind me of people with eating disorders. The same kind of body  self image distortion.

BICYCLES

I  can still remember the first time i rode a bike without training wheels.

i think it’s the closest most of us get to flying.

But somehow, such a simple pleasure is not complicated enough for middle class modern americans.

They have to have a whole pile of expensive stuff to enjoy biking.

Start with the latest feather weight alloy bike.

Mix in custom hardware upgrades.

You are going to need a special rack for driving your bike around plus another one for the garage.

But most importantly, you need the special clothes because you are after all, a european professional racer, are you not?

Each aspect of the clothing will shave a tenth of a second off your time and will send a social message that you have a bmw at home.

You will, of course, not be touring through the ghetto on weekends, but instead out in the country where you can

enjoy a picnic of power bars and special ionized water out of your special water bottle.

The support car who trails you will bring the blanket.

SPECIAL SPORT ACTIVITIES

This category always needs expensive, bulky equipment which mostly sits in the garage after you have used it a few times.

Typical examples would be; hanglideing, windsurfing, paragliding, kayaking, etc.

Every once in a while you look wistfully through the catalogs that show up at your house and wish you had the new version which is so much better than the one you bought way back 3 years ago.

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2 Responses to “Exercise”

  1. Nick Says:

    I love this blog

  2. mrpoopypants Says:

    me too

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