Archive for April, 2012

Dogfest

April 15, 2012

Like a pitbull that won’t unclamp, i just can’t get over how dog crazy folks are where i live.

I don’t want this to devolve to an anti  dog blog, but it’s just  mr. poopy hate bait that i can’t resist.

i went to an event called “dogfest” yesterday.

Lots of people talking with each other proudly  about their dogs.

I wonder if people discussed their own  breeding lineage openly in the same way what it would sound like.

Overheard; ” so is it just a blog about dogs in general?”

and; ” he’s never seen a women before. he just hangs out with men” After the dog starts vigourously

sniffing a female dog owner’s crotch.

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Leather dog bride

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Lot’s of clothing to anthrophormorphize and enfantalize these small mammals.

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Yuck turned out to be the handle with a cup on the end that you use to fling a ball for fifi to fetch

that gets covered with canine mouth slime.

Their solution?  a nylon bag.

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Lot’s of dog portrait artists. I’m going to commision a huge dog painting to put in the  hallway of my castle next to the coat of arms.

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This person makes an impression of the tip of your dogs nose  and make jewelry out of it.

ooooh. hot.

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This combines the 2 biggest things   middle class americans care about;

Dogs and water bottles.

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This is really handy when you have to teleconfernce with dogs in different cities at the same time.

This is a dog that got mangled in the star trek transporter.

In a role reversal, this dog adopted this old guy. Hey, i’m cool with that.

Somehow for millions of years  dogs survived  without massage.  There were also dog  psychotherapy services offered at this event.

why yes, my son is a an elephant, i mean a dog.

The 9 Ways to Success

April 4, 2012

Inspired by the title selection at the airport book store, i hearby present:

The 9 Ways To Success.

Location, Location, Location

Accessorize, Accessorize, Accessorize

Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize.

I will be available for speaking tours, and in fact, will be appearing alongside Donald Trump and Tony Robbins at a seminar near you.

I have applied for non profit status and the IRS is currently reviewing my application for religious exemptions.

Those of you who have low self esteem are welcome to pay to live in my new compound and worship me.

If you should somehow  pass through the difficult years of study required you might  possibly learn the secret last 3 ways of sucess, thereby acheiving the ultimate “12 ways of sucess”.

Note that there are 12 months, twelve nights of christmas, 12 reindeer, and 12 is also called a dozen.

don’t be misled by non believers who put an extra donut in a “bakers” dozen.

we call those  a ‘fakers” dozen.

there are also TWO separate 12 hour parts to each day.

this represents the male and female parts of our minds.

12 also sounds like “melvin” who is the spirit guide that i channel.

melvinespiritudomas

More On Puppy Day

April 4, 2012

Apparently I stepped in it with my recent Puppy Day post.

Reading about puppy day in my local paper online, i was struck by  comments like this:

“I got up today, and my son Farfel was asleep on his bed, at the foot of my bed, and he looked up at me and smiled and wagged his tail…. I spent the next five minutes hugging and whispering to him !! THAT made today a GREAT day !!!”

When i suggested that perhaps people were PROJECTING i was called a douchbag, etc.

Dogs are like the third rail of american culture.

that’s why i blog incognito. Or, in my country; blognito

There was a car  accident a while ago where an entire family died except one of the children survived with serious injuries.

the dog was also injured.

A huge number of people  instantly sent in a giant pile of  money to help care for the dog.

Not a cent of money or concern for the human child.

Am i the only one here who thinks American’s increasing preference for dogs over replicating and evolving our own dna is just a little weird?

Maybe someday we will look back at dogs, who resemble human children with their  large heads and pinched together facial features as brood parasites.