Attack of the Water Bottles

October 25, 2012

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Or, as George Carlon said, ” when did Americans get so thirsty”?

This photo show maybe a third of the bottles they sell at this store.

People where i live are obsessed with carrying these things around. First it was the plastic ones, then they were “unhealthy”,

so everyone switched to these. I’m sure there will something “wrong” with these later on.

You need these because you have to drink 8 glasses of water a day because…. uh why?

Because somebody once made that up and people have been repeating it ever since.

Seriously, there is no magic amount of water you need.

If you are thirsty, drink.

If not, don’t.

Food has a lot of water in it, too.  Well, except maybe cheetos.

Sure, water fountains are starting to go the way of the phone booth, but still, do you need to drink every half hour?

maybe if you are running a marathon in the desert.  Or maybe not.

I love the stories of the apaches having these 2 day races where they run through these desert canyons with a mouthful of water, then spit out the water at the end. Kind of macho, but you get the point.

They were barefoot, by the way, so much for “needing” the latest hi tech Nike shoes.

This is just another example of how infantilized  americans have become. They clutch these things like a talisman as if to ward off their fears like a baby with a bottle of formula.

Of course it’s  better than the super sized sugar water that has become our favorite beverage.

50 years ago, water was the number one  followed by milk and coffe.

I was in europe this summer for a bit and didnt see a single one of these water bottles.

Is everyone in europe going to die of thirst soon?

Maybe we should drop them out of planes over third world countries?

Maybe bin laden would be alive if he had  had one.

Dogfest

April 15, 2012

Like a pitbull that won’t unclamp, i just can’t get over how dog crazy folks are where i live.

I don’t want this to devolve to an anti  dog blog, but it’s just  mr. poopy hate bait that i can’t resist.

i went to an event called “dogfest” yesterday.

Lots of people talking with each other proudly  about their dogs.

I wonder if people discussed their own  breeding lineage openly in the same way what it would sound like.

Overheard; ” so is it just a blog about dogs in general?”

and; ” he’s never seen a women before. he just hangs out with men” After the dog starts vigourously

sniffing a female dog owner’s crotch.

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Leather dog bride

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Lot’s of clothing to anthrophormorphize and enfantalize these small mammals.

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Yuck turned out to be the handle with a cup on the end that you use to fling a ball for fifi to fetch

that gets covered with canine mouth slime.

Their solution?  a nylon bag.

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Lot’s of dog portrait artists. I’m going to commision a huge dog painting to put in the  hallway of my castle next to the coat of arms.

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This person makes an impression of the tip of your dogs nose  and make jewelry out of it.

ooooh. hot.

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This combines the 2 biggest things   middle class americans care about;

Dogs and water bottles.

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This is really handy when you have to teleconfernce with dogs in different cities at the same time.

This is a dog that got mangled in the star trek transporter.

In a role reversal, this dog adopted this old guy. Hey, i’m cool with that.

Somehow for millions of years  dogs survived  without massage.  There were also dog  psychotherapy services offered at this event.

why yes, my son is a an elephant, i mean a dog.

The 9 Ways to Success

April 4, 2012

Inspired by the title selection at the airport book store, i hearby present:

The 9 Ways To Success.

Location, Location, Location

Accessorize, Accessorize, Accessorize

Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize.

I will be available for speaking tours, and in fact, will be appearing alongside Donald Trump and Tony Robbins at a seminar near you.

I have applied for non profit status and the IRS is currently reviewing my application for religious exemptions.

Those of you who have low self esteem are welcome to pay to live in my new compound and worship me.

If you should somehow  pass through the difficult years of study required you might  possibly learn the secret last 3 ways of sucess, thereby acheiving the ultimate “12 ways of sucess”.

Note that there are 12 months, twelve nights of christmas, 12 reindeer, and 12 is also called a dozen.

don’t be misled by non believers who put an extra donut in a “bakers” dozen.

we call those  a ‘fakers” dozen.

there are also TWO separate 12 hour parts to each day.

this represents the male and female parts of our minds.

12 also sounds like “melvin” who is the spirit guide that i channel.

melvinespiritudomas

More On Puppy Day

April 4, 2012

Apparently I stepped in it with my recent Puppy Day post.

Reading about puppy day in my local paper online, i was struck by  comments like this:

“I got up today, and my son Farfel was asleep on his bed, at the foot of my bed, and he looked up at me and smiled and wagged his tail…. I spent the next five minutes hugging and whispering to him !! THAT made today a GREAT day !!!”

When i suggested that perhaps people were PROJECTING i was called a douchbag, etc.

Dogs are like the third rail of american culture.

that’s why i blog incognito. Or, in my country; blognito

There was a car  accident a while ago where an entire family died except one of the children survived with serious injuries.

the dog was also injured.

A huge number of people  instantly sent in a giant pile of  money to help care for the dog.

Not a cent of money or concern for the human child.

Am i the only one here who thinks American’s increasing preference for dogs over replicating and evolving our own dna is just a little weird?

Maybe someday we will look back at dogs, who resemble human children with their  large heads and pinched together facial features as brood parasites.

National Puppy Day

March 23, 2012

Since it’s a Holliday , I thought i’d take the opportunity to poop out another dog hating rant on the sidewalk in front of your house.

I just never get over how Americans have anthropomorphized another species into child substitutes.

When my neighbor moved in, she introduced me to her  new dogs by name and waited , beaming proudly.

Was I supposed to write down their names?

Now that one of them is sick, she has stopped working for a few months so she can be home when he dies.

Like he cares.

Despite what people want to believe, dogs are not very smart.

Throw the ball. He brings it back. Repeat five million times.

But what about companionship? And aren’t they loyal? If only humans were so loyal.

Well, stop feeding him and see how long he sticks around. “loyal” to a dog is just a legacy  pack behavior.

Clearly we have adopted this species because they remind us of human children.

In fact we have actively bred them for this very purpose.

All dogs today can trace their ancestry to the same  three wolves, yet unless you are one of the few hunters left in the US , what do you think of when you hear “dog”? Probably not a pack of wolves.

If another species bred us and dressed us to resemble them  and made us into their “pets” wouldn’t  you think that is just a little weird?

So why not have real children, or a spouse, or human friends?

It finally dawned on me why this has become so popular.

People prefer these   relationships to real human relationships because they are by nature self limiting.

That is the point.

They won’t challenge you in any way.

Heck, they don’t even talk.

Of course, the downside is that you never grow in you’re understanding of yourself or others.

So you get a roommate that is way smaller than you so you can feel parent like.

Which is to say, protective and superior at the same time.

He is a mammal with a circulatory system so he feels familiar.

And he is covered with hair so he is soft.

And he has a limited repertoire of actions that you can learn in a day.

He even has this facial grimace which  fools humans into thinking he is smiling.

Silly humans. Such a willfully delusional species.

Santa is better than Jesus

December 27, 2011

I mean, if you have to have an invisible friend, i choose Santa.

First off, who has the better beard? Winner: Santa.

And who looks like they are having more fun? Yup.

Go ahead, chose one;  The jolly guy bringing gifts, or the skinny guy with anger management issues kicking over the lender’s tables?

Santa is pretty simple, really.  Naughty or nice.   And he doesn’t go on and on about which is which because most of us already know the difference.

None of this ” no sleeping with the donkey of thy neighbor or you will be stoned to death” stuff.

Nice equals gift.  Naughty  equals no gift.

And is no gift really so bad?  Because even if Santa skips your house, there are always sales the next day.

Plus he lives at the North Pole.  So there is no fighting over his birthplace like in Jerusalem because no one wants to actually live at the North Pole.

And he has a wife.  Not that there is anything wrong with not having one, or anything. But you have to wonder a little about the other guy.

Plus, let’s compare their 12 man posses.

One posse has 11  drinking buddies and one snitch

The other posse has twelve singing reindeer! Way more fun. And even though one of them is  all lit up, he can still drive all night long!

And finally, I know some of you don’t believe in one or both of our contestants.

Sure, there is no actual proof for either one.

But one guy died then skipped town never to be seen again. The other at least has a Norad site every year to track his whereabouts in real time.

All I know is I put out the cookies and milk before i go to bed on christmas eve and in the morning they are gone.

Pretty convincing i’d say.

Who’s My Daddy? my funky hood #19

February 10, 2011

This was on a pole a couple of blocks from my house.

The same day, a 35 minute drive later i found this:

Report From Las Vegas

January 24, 2011

I know I should get out more, but what are you gonna do?

Anyhow, I usually go to a trade show in Las Vegas once a year, and it’s astounding how run down that town has become in the last couple of years.

OK, I stayed at a cheap place on the strip this time, but it was the same one I stayed at a couple of years ago.

Everything reeked of delayed maintenance and cost cutting. Dirty carpets and peeling paint.

There was no one manning the coffee shop so I had to go and find her  myself.

At the Karaoke bar, there were no waitresses or even a bartender behind the bar and the people had to walk up the stairs and then another 100 yards to find a drink. Exact same thing at the resort across the street.

I was chased down the hall by a desperate  russian lady who wanted me to buy her beauty products.

As if.

But the worst was the food.

I guess i’m a food snob to most americans. I eat the way most people ate here 50 years ago, but that  has become some kind of elitist thing. You know, mostly organic and homemade  stuff and like that.

But even taking that into consideration, the food I had this trip was a new category of bad. It just made me think of death.

In fact the whole trip made me contemplate mortality, which is the exact thing you go to Vegas to deny.

The return plane was 3 hours late, with no explanation from the airline. The airport was full of people from previously cancelled flights standing in endless lines trying to get on any flight back home.

One couple missed their flight because they got severe food poisoning.

When I finally got on my plane home, the stew handed me a cold coffee without making eye contact, asking me if I wanted cream, or even mumbling hi.

When we arrived, they couldn’t find anyone to drag the accordion thingy out to the plane, so we had to wait another half hour.

Three years into this recession, the wheels  are really starting to come off.

I fully expect to return to vegas  one of these times and find nothing but crickets and tumbleweeds.

UPDATE: I just couldn’t believe how shabby vegas is starting to look, so I did some reading when I got back.

The unemployment rate is over 14% and two-thirds of the houses are underwater.

Cities that have a more educated population are doing better in this recession, I read.

Las vegas, is almost dead last in per student spending.

Almost all the jobs  before the recession were either construction or working in the casinos. And for women, there were more degrading options as well.

Not that i’m a prude, but there is something crass about the way sex is comoddified there.

As far as the food, I remember about 7 years ago, they discovered the celebrity chef. Everyone was stumbling over one another to present the hippest food. These chefs had private planes bring in the best ingredients from all over.

And the prices were partially subsidized by the casinos.

It’s gotten steadily worse to the point where the staff at the casinos  no longer eat the free lunch and just bring a lunch from home, foregoing one of the few traditional perks that made the job tolerable.

The chamber of commerce floated this bloated pretentious scheme called “city center” which was planned before “the great recession”. It’s a huge mega block of A-list architects projects all jumbled together with useless “luxury” stuff financed mostly by middle east oil money.

They also made the fatal flaw of not connecting it to the casinos with a walkway. It’s really a ghost town.

In fact the number of street people seem to be increasing as the number of tourists falls.

It doesn’t help that there is a new  big casino in Macao. Also the number of Indian casinos grows and lots of states are allowing sports betting. Plus there is online betting.

Of course the whole idea of las vegas is preposterous starting with the fact that there is no water there and it has to be stolen from somewhere else.

While it used to have that disorienting quality where it was so  busy all the time that you didnt know what day it was, now the only signs of lifes are on weekends when kids drive in from LA to party. Grim.

RIP Captain Beefheart

December 18, 2010

I don’t usually use the word ” artist” in regards to pop musicians, but if anybody deserves the title, it was Don Van Vleit AKA Captain Beefheart.
Even after 40 years of being drowned in the now cliched sounds of electric guitar and drums, his music still sounds unique.
In the shallow, shiny world of pop music, the jarring rhythmic feel, beatnik lyrics, and abrasive vocal style lifted shamelessly from howling wolf, puts most people off right away.
A deeper listener is rewarded with a singular vision. it requires shutting off some filters.
I can name only a few musicians  who fearlessly trusted their instincts like he did.
And they were all in the jazz or “modern classical” realm.
Hard to believe he was on a major music label ( alongside frank sinatra and neil young!) and played the top rock music venues of the day.

Most people assumed his thing was an act,. And he did have a canny post Picasso sense of working the media and managing his image that he may have learned when he was a childhood art celbrity with his own TV show in LA.

Image aside, I think on some level he really was the abstract person he seemed to be.

In fact,  I wonder if he didn’t have ausbergers or something similar.

The dust blows forward and the dust blows back.

Adios Gavin Newsom

November 6, 2010

Hey, he actually managed to beat the other guy in a race involving not appearing in public during the campaign.
Weird way to run for office.
Kind of the opposite approach that Meg Whiteman took.
I’m glad to see him go, but I hope he doesn’t think this is somehow validation for his “ideas”.
I’m glad I don’t have to hear the fake gravel voice he affected the last year or so to try and make him sound more substantial.
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.